When enough is not nearly enough

The atmosphere at the start was amazing.

The band played as runners queued for portaloos. The sky shone blue and volunteers wandered around with bottles of sunscreen for those (like myself) who then declared “oh, it’s the one thing I forgot.”

Up at the start line, discarded jumpers and jackets lined the streets for charity collection. The thousands of us in C group patiently waited for our signal to go.

How did I go? The best that can be said is that I finished. A few kilometres into the 9kms of the Bridge Run (the organisers said it was approx. 9kms, my GPS said I had travelled 9.8kms), I had my doubts about doing so. Finishing, that is.

That left ankle I’ve had problems with over the past couple of weeks seized up at about the 2k mark. At that point walking on it was painful- running was almost impossible. At the 4k mark the blisters (remember I told you about them?) I acquired the training day that I hurt my ankle re-asserted their presence.

I seriously considered abandoning at that point and popping across to a coffee shop in Macquarie Street.

I did, however, finish. I’m not at all happy with the result, but as my husband said to me last night- “six weeks ago you couldn’t breathe, two weeks ago you could barely walk, I’m surprised you went through with it.” He’d been trying to talk me out of doing it at all after the training incident a couple of weeks ago.

I’m smiling in the photo below, but it’s a smile of absolute relief at finishing. The only thing that kept me going through the pain was the thought of not finishing and having to say that I failed. Having said that, in my head I’m battling the “not good enough demons.”

That’s a Saturn thing with me. But it’s also reflective of the Sun/Moon- Pluto, Pisces-Virgo thing in my chart. The how hard can it be vs why are you even trying, you know you won’t be good enough see-saw.

What made me finish yesterday was not any commitment that I’d made to myself, but the commitment I’d made to my BMF. No matter how much it hurt & how crippled I was afterwards, I was going to smile and say I got through it ok. I lied and I faked it because I didn’t want him to see how bad it hurt and how disappointed with myself I was. FFS he was running a marathon and I was attempting a measly (approx.) 9ks.

Which brings me to the New Moon message.

The New Moon fell in the 7th for me, conjunct natal Uranus- so in opposition to the Sun and Chiron in my chart.

With Uranus in the 7th, the challenge is to remain true to yourself in all of your relationships. I don’t- as the paragraph above describes. I didn’t want my friend to view me as a failure, or be disappointed in me- so I finished. Afterwards I was too wound up in being happy for him- he finished the marathon 40 minutes inside his personal best time for the 42kms- to put a dampener on the moment by telling him the truth of how badly I felt I had done.

He did that because he has been consistent in his focus, consistent in his habits and unwavering in his goals. I am genuinely proud of him- he deserves his result.

Which brings me to habits, and the consistency thereof.

In my case, I’m extremely consistent with my relationship habits, but not my personal ones. I never let a friend down- even when I have committed to doing something I don’t want to do- I don’t want them to feel badly about me. Yet I consistently blow off training, lose focus nutritionally and then escape into Pisces escape land. It doesn’t seem to matter as much if I feel badly about myself as long as those I love don’t feel badly about me.

partial chart only…

Rather than finding a balance point in the see-saw that is my 1st & 7th house oppositions, I go from one extreme to the other. I’m still not working that opposition in the way that it needs to be worked. I have no consistency. Middle ground is possible- it doesn’t always have to be a struggle…does it? I suspect the answer is through Jupiter and Neptune. I suspect I concentrate subconsciously so much on the opposition itself that I don’t see the potential of Neptune and Jupiter. I instead use them as escape routes when the pressure gets too much.

I don’t want to know where I came in yesterdays race- I know that the majority of the field was ahead of me. I feel like a fraud when my friends congratulate me for finishing because I seriously am disappointed with myself. Seriously. It should be enough for me to know that I got over that line at the end. I know many didn’t. That I summoned something from somewhere to be able to run over that line at the end. It should be enough that I had the guts to enter. But it isn’t.

Sure I can blame injuries and health issues blah blah blah, but the fact is, if I’d been consistent with my training habits throughout the year, the crap of the last 3 months would have only been a blip on the screen rather than spelling the disaster it did.

Yesterdays New Moon was a wake-up call- for a lot of reasons. Did it ring any bells for anyone else out there?