So, last night, almost exactly as the Moon was full, I had a meltdown.
It was a meltdown fitting for a Cancer Full Moon…it was cyclonic, it was also, in retrospect, textbook for the transits the Moon was making to my chart.
We’ve talked before about how transits of the personal planets, including the Moon rarely, by themselves, bring long lasting change. Usually they are little more than a good or bad hair day, extra energy, a spot of comfort eating or a temper tantrum.
What they often are, though, is trigger points for deeper change being instigated by the outer planets. The straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. Especially when it’s a lunation ie a new or full Moon hitting that point.
Think of it like a cyclone- all the little factors come together and then, if the weather conditions are right, bam!
The weather conditions last night were perfect- take a Pluto transit, add a Cancer Moon for extra emotion, fear and insecurity, make it full, add some more Pluto, a dollop of Uranus and a smidgeon of Saturn, and as a final touch, one hell of a lot of end of year “what have I done?” musings. The outcome is a low pressure cell of cyclonic proportions, plenty of bluster and a lot of moisture.
In my case, I’m not having any seriously major outer planet transits. Which makes a nice change after a number of years filled with Pluto squares, Uranus conjunctions and Saturn oppositions.
The transits I’m having now are of the ‘you’ve been through the shitty stuff, you’ve done the work, now you need to do what you have to do to move forward…or not…the choice is yours.’
Pluto is currently sextile Mercury (final pass), trine the North Node (so sextile South Node). There are opportunities (sextile, trine) to move forward (North Node) and achieve huge stuff (Capricorn) or stay/ go back to what I know (South Node).
Pluto is always going to be hard, but the nature of this transit is I have opportunities- if I’m prepared to do the work.
Last nights Full Moon triggered that.
Falling in the 4th/10th, and in easy aspect to Mercury and the nodes, it all came under the spotlight.
Retrograde Jupiter has also put his few words in, being square natal Mercury, as is Saturn, just past a conjunction with South Node.
The Moon rules my 5th house, so this was always going to be a player in the outcome of the transit.
Essentially what happened was that I received the report (Mercury) in from my structural editor/manuscript assessor on the chick lit novel that time forgot (my baby, 5th house). I figure he’s Pluto- ‘cos his job is to get to the depths of the issue and drag it back to life.
It wasn’t bad, not in hindsight, in fact he’s done a bloody good job of getting to the bottom of the work I need to do to whip this thing into publishable format- but I couldn’t see that last night. It’s just that the Pisces dreamer in me wanted him to come back and say something like ‘this is amazing, and publishers should be calling for it now.’
All I could see last night was how hard it all is, how very very much I want this. Then the “what ifs” came calling. But what if the only things I’m good at are the things I don’t want to be doing ie the corporate stuff? What if I’m really shit at this? Should I just throw the whole dream away, pull on the business suits, swallow my pride and go back to fulltime corporate work?
Just lately a very good friend has been constantly dropping comments around when I’m going to get a real job…what if she’s right? What if my family is right? What if everyone has been humouring me for the last year and just waiting for me to come to my senses?
After all, no one would blame me for giving up- right? It would be nice to have the good salary again… Under this transit I can do either…
In the cold light of morning and after not a lot of sleep, I’m about to start the re-write. Hubby says to wait, but if I wait, I’ll take the South Node option- and that’s not what I want. I don’t want my later years to be full of visits from the coulda, woulda, shouldas- those bad boys are worse than the “what ifs…I wrote about them here.
The thing is, I know this is hard. There are even fewer publishers out there then there are available men. The other thing is, growth and transformation only happens after a lot of other clearing away. It’s why I have the koru tattooed on my hip- to remind me. It’s why I used the image of the cyclone (which is also a koru spiral) to illustrate this post today. To remind me.
So, I’m pressing forward. It’s what Pluto would want me to do. I’ll leave the meltdown in 2012…