I’m having a finishing week this week. I’m finishing things.
It’s not something that I do well or often.
Anyways, to finish this line of thought, it’s not exactly that I don’t finish things as such, it’s that I don’t really take things as far as they can go.
Don’t get me wrong, I achieve plenty of stuff, I’ve achieved plenty of things- mostly for other people. When I was in the partition job, I finished plenty of stuff- projects, renovations, relocations, you name it.
In my personal life? Not so much.
I get almost there….then I move on…to something else.
It’s not just about the holes that need filling from where I took down the curtain rods in our bedroom, and where I still haven’t patched up the paint. It’s not even about the skirtings that are half painted. Although, as I write this, I’m looking at both and thinking that I need to do something about it.
Then there’s the box of craft supplies that I cleaned out about 6 months ago that need to be popped onto ebay…or the garage that I need to book a council clean up to empty out.
It’s not just about those things, it’s bigger than that. Those examples are just a part of the pattern.
When I was 18 my Dad told me that they’d never allow a girl to be a rugby league referee. So I proved him wrong. By the end of two seasons I was actually even ok at it. How far could I have taken it? Who knows- once I finished Uni I moved to Canberra.
Speaking of Uni, I worked just hard enough to finish and pass with credit. Then I left.
When I was in my late 20’s I got relatively senior in my bank job very quickly. Then I stopped. I say it’s because I no longer believed in the corporate message.
It’s like the Bridge Run. I’ve finished that twice- but not the running part. I’ve got to week 6 of couch to 5kms twice now. I’ve got as far as running 4kms. Then I’ve stopped.
Six years ago I lost 12kgs- my goal was 15. I stopped what I was doing and the kilos have all come back- this time they’ve brought friends to stay. For two months at the beginning of the year I stuck firmly and relatively easily to an anti candida eating plan. I felt better and the kilos began dropping off. So I stopped.
Why do I stop? Why don’t I finish?
I could run through a heap of excuses and vague reasons. I could say I drift into something else. But the real reason is that I get scared.
I’m not scared of the work, or the effort. I’m scared of the emptiness of completion. That when I do get there…finally…there’ll be…nothing. I’m afraid that there won’t be a horizon to swim towards.
These days I’m writing. I’ve finished two manuscripts- the first that just seemed to need to get out of my head, the second that I’m seriously (and I mean seriously) happy with. I’ve had almost there comments on that one. Almost there. I’m good at almost there.
So I’m now drafting the next. I’ll finish it too. Quickly. I do that. When I have an idea, I’m very capable of knocking out 50,000 words a month. I do it every November, I’ve just done it now in June.
I’ll even finish the re-write, and the re-write after that. But will it get to where it needs to go? I still think that’s up to me.
That’s my fiction.
When it comes to my non-fiction, it’s another story- no pun intended.
I don’t finish. I haven’t finished.
Why? The answer is the same- it’s the fear of finishing.
I blame Saturn. Of course. Saturn isn’t known as the Time Lord or Lord of Karma or Great Maturer (actually I made that last one up) for no reason.
Whichever way you look at it, Saturn matures. He puts boundaries around things and makes you think about things like commitment and responsibility and time and structure.
Saturn has been retrograde since mid February. During this time we should have all been using the time wisely to get our Saturn shit together.
Specifically, with Saturn in Scorpio, this is all focused on what you’re hiding under the covers, what you’re really scared of . It’s about facing the truth- even if you think you can’t handle the truth. No matter where Scorpio is in your chart, this overlays that area with a 8th house intensity. Whatever Scorpio represents in your chart, you will be asked to get real, face your fears and grow the hell up.
Now as Saturn has stationed and is contemplating his next move forward, the energy is at its’ most potent. If you have planets (especially personal planets) or chart points at 4-5 Scorpio, Taurus, Leo and Aquarius you will be feeling this Saturn energy more than the rest of us…enjoy.
I think of Saturn as an auditor with a tie that is way too short, a green pen and an pad asking me questions that I don’t particularly want to answer.
My friend Clementine likens this process to an exam. Hopefully I have passed.
The whole point of a Saturn transit is to teach us something…sort of like growing pains for grown ups.
While Saturn is retrograde all of this is internalised and builds within. You have the time to think and absorb. Once Saturn turns direct, intention needs to be turned into action. That means dealing with whatever it is with maturity, commitment and responsibility.
Saturn transits can hurt, a lot- depending on your natal relationship with him. This is especially the case if your Saturn is not natally strong (take Donna Cunninghams’ Saturn quiz to check yours out…my Saturn is particularly weak). At critical points of a Saturn transit, if (like me) your temptation is to run away from whatever it is, something will be in your way. There will be nowhere left to run. You have no choice but to stand your ground, face it like and adult and finish the job.
Which is why this week we’re finishing things around the house. The holes in my bedroom wall, the patchy paint, the blue painters tape.
Like a grown up.