Saturn in the 1st: Panic Attacks, Meltdowns & the Gateway Bridge

Brisbane River- still murky 2 weeks after the flood peak
Brisbane River- still murky 2 weeks after the flood peak

There is this road (in New Zealand) between Wellington and the Wairapa Valley wine region. Locals call it the Gorge. I had driven it before, but as a passenger…& then really only noticed the steepness of the road on the way into the wine regions (if you know what I mean).

A few years ago my daughter & I did a mini girlie road trip from Auckland down to Wellington. With a stop in Martinborough in the Wairapa, we had no choice but to do the Gorge road. About half way up the mountain I took a look ahead & saw nothing but steep winding hairpin bends as far as the eye could see. I felt like I would never get to the top…and I had a mini panic attack. My hands went sweaty, I found it difficult to breathe & I completely went rigid behind the wheel…until common sense kicked in. There was no other way off the mountain but to keep going. And with my daughter in the car, I had a responsibility to get us both to the other side safely. And there was no real logical reason to assume that I wouldn’t be able to. But for that split second the responsibility was as big as the self doubt.

The same thing happened yesterday. I chanced a look ahead & couldn’t see an end to the job I am doing- and end to the immediate crisis. I froze up & I couldn’t breathe. For the last 2 weeks I haven’t had time to stop & think, let along stop my head in order to sleep properly & yesterday I just couldn’t see an end to it.

The effort to stay glass half full in an environment which was completely empty was just that little too much. I delayed the full meltdown & ducked outside to sit under a tree & breathe. But what has this to do with astrology?

Jupiter, in the 1st degree of Aries is conjunct my natal Saturn. Not quite exact (Saturn is at 58′ Aries), it is close enough to be doing me damage.

Thinking about it, Jupiter in Aries is an expansionary go forward just flipping do it energy. Saturn, though, can be fearful- especially when it is in the 1st house as it is for me. It can manifest in a belief that you just aren’t good enough, that you aren’t capable of doing what needs to be done. It can manifest as a lack of self confidence & absolutely does so for me. Where Saturn is in your chart is what you are afraid to be- where the fear or lack of confidence is. In the 1st, that fear is about self. Usually though, Jupiters’ faith is enough to push me through.

Yesterday that absolute faith that we can rebuild something in a week rather than 3 months hit Saturn with the most humungous thud. And I forgot how to breathe. And I forgot how to act. And I forgot how to fake it. Sure what we are doing is amazing. What we have achieved thus far is amazing. There is no logical reason to assume we can’t get to the top.

Gateway Bridge. Pic from Brisbane Times
Gateway Bridge. Pic from Brisbane Times

I have this recurring dream where I am in a car & there is a passenger in the car that I am responsible for. I can reach the pedals, but I can’t work the brakes & I can’t where I am going. I know I am on one of those bridges that arches high high high. In my dream it is always the Gateway Bridge in Brisbane (although I didn’t recognise it as such until the 1st time we drove over it to get to the Sunshine Coast). It always has been. I can’t see where I am going & I can’t control the car but I have to trust that I can get us all to the other side.

I always have this dream when I feel out of control. I always have this dream when I feel that the responsibility is too much to bear. Saturn in the 1st. I had the dream last night. In fact, I have had it a lot over the last 2 weeks.

With Uranus still hooked up very closely with my Moon, my emotions are all over the place, but have to remain as tightly controlled as I possibly can. Jupiter is tearing through forging an expansionary path, but natal Saturn has held up a stop sign & is asking “are you sure?” “are you up to this?” “there are a lot of people depending on this to be right, you know…”

So I allowed the meltdown (relatively controlled) & with the help of a talking tomcat (don’t ask), it is full steam ahead again. This time Jupiter has won. Sure the battle is by no means over, but somehow or other all the pieces will eventually go together- there is reall no reason to assume otherwise.

Brisbane Botanical Gardens. Pic by me.
Brisbane Botanical Gardens. Pic by me.

One comment

  1. This totally resonates with me right now… I feel the same way! My Saturn is Libra & retrogrades through my 1st house of Self. Thank you for the insight.

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