One of my best friends climbed a mountain last weekend.
The mountain is Mt Kinabalu in the Malaysian part of Borneo. And even though I joked that it is just a very long uphill walk, at 4095m, it is a real high and serious mountain, with real altitude and real risks..
As much as I make light of it and fun of it with him, it was such a cool thing to do and I am so proud that he has both the courage and the persistence to train for something like this. Sure he is disciplined and has amazing willpower, but selfishly and just a little enviously, this has made me think about my own goals or lack thereof.
My goal setting & goal keeping attributes were given to someone else at birth. My friend, on the other hand, has a focused and fixed Scorpio Moon which trines a nothing is impossible Saturn in Pisces which is all motivated into action by a lot of fearless Aries first house energy.
My Saturn sits in Aries, so whilst I am quick to start new projects, I rarely finish anything and tend to play catchup. I always have. When I was at University I would be a last minute crammer & assignment writer. Because I always did quite well it fooled me into thinking there was nothing wrong with my approach. And let’s face it, with as much Pisces as I have, I can easily fool myself into anything.
I do the same with work goals or anything I have to do for someone else. As long as it gets done, it really doesn’t matter how or when. And generally I resent it.
Last year I did National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) where you write a 1st draft of a 50000 word novel in a month. I did it last year & the sense of achievement was amazing. It the 1st time I had done something that I had to do a little bit every day on- you can’t write 50000 words on the last weekend & hope to finish it.
That book will never see the light of day. It was cathartic but just a tad too semi autobiographically semi fictional chick-litish for me to be at all comfortable with anyone reading it. But I did it. And I did it because I really enjoyed the process. I also did it because it was the 1st time that I had undertaken something that was just for me. Not because someone else was doing it and I was going along for the ride, not because I had to. To be honest, I was actually too embarrassed to tell anyone about it while I was in the process- not because I didn’t think I would finish, but because it was for me and isn’t that a little self indulgent?
The more I understand about Saturn or 1st house Saturn’s, the more this pattern sounds familiar. When I start something I have to start quickly while the energy is fresh and kick a few quick goals to keep the interest level high. I have signed up for NaNoWriMo again this year, but this year its complete fiction- buy at the airport, read in the bath chick lit- just the way I like to read it. Who knows, I may even be brave enough to try & get it published.
What last years’ NaNoWriMo taught me though is that my Scorpio Mars has to be emotionally engaged in something in order to step up to the plate again and again and again. This particular light bulb didn’t go off until the other day when I was talking to my mountaineering friend about my lack of physical goals and he commented that I hadn’t yet found something I really want to do. With as much Pisces as I have it doesn’t occur to me that I can’t do what ever I want…the biggie is finding what it is that I want.
I muck around with wanting to do this & that- C25K and the like. But there is really no physical goal that I really want to do. Yet I know that I need one. I honestly think I don’t want to run a marathon (or part thereof), climb a mountain or jump out of or off anything. But I do need to find something. And it needs to be something I can’t just turn up and do, or something I can play catch up on. It has to be something I have to work towards every day that has an end date and an achievement. Just like my daily word count.