I did my first meditation class last night, and yes, I know it is a rather contradictory activity to be doing under an Aries Moon.
I have been doing Kundalini Yoga for a year or so now and love it, but have never really mastered the whole meditation thing. My excuse has always been that it’s painful sitting cross legged in that position for so long (holding your back straight in that possie is actually a great core work out on its’ own), there are so many other things I should be doing rather than trying not to think and my Pisces 12th house Mercury brain (the worst in history) is so full of monkey chatter that there would be no way I could quiet it down in any case.
But that is where I had been kidding myself.
The whole point to meditation, well, Kundalini meditation, is to dump the garbage. Let it come out, acknowledge it and dump it. And that, for me, is scary and requires a weird sort of courage…trust me, you don’t want to know what is in my head, let alone see what it looks like after it has been swirling and whirling around in there for however long! Pisces is, after all, the junk collector of the zodiac. And courage is something that is very appropriate to the Aries Moon.
The sub conscious is really a 12th house place. It’s where we hide things away. It’s where we hide away. It’s where we escape to, where the thoughts, addictions, compulsions and activities that bring us undone lie. It’s where we put our secrets and the things we simply can’t talk about.
The 12th house is also about institutions, prisons, hospitals. The places, things and concepts which keep us locked up, away from the world or in confinement. In some cases it may be literal, in most, however, the things that imprison us are parts of ourselves. We don’t talk much about the 12th house, it’s not a fun place, but we all have one. If you have a strong Pisces or Neptune signature in your chart, the 12th house will be somewhere that you may be spending quite a bit of your energy on.
It is also secret enemies. Those ones who smile sweetly at you in the office but that you know are bitching and gossiping behind your back. We all have them…we all are one. There might be the girl who everyone else likes but that you are insanely jealous of for stupid reasons or the guy who seeks your advice and then uses it against you.
12th house stuff is what keeps us awake at night. In my case, it is what makes me reach for the next glass of wine. It is what sends me running after the new and exciting and yearning to jump on a plane to anywhere to fill holes and truths that I don’t want to acknowledge.
It’s that dark closet that you keep shoving stuff into until one day you (or someone else) accidentally opens and it all comes tumbling out and whacks you on the head so you have no choice but to clean it up. And the problem with putting things into that sub conscious closet is that no matter how dark you make the room or how tightly you close the door you know that it is in there and everything you think and everything you do is, in some way, based even a little (unconsciously) about what is in that closet.
Mine opened last week and a great big virtual skeleton whacked me over the head when it fell out. But in the light of day it really wasn’t that scary. And once it was out I sort of wondered what the whole fuss had been about and spent a sleepless night worrying about the assumptions I had made and misconceptions and misunderstandings. Yet, if I had the courage to talk about it all ages ago and not poke it away it would never have become the huge black scary hairy monster in the closet that it was. And once it was talked about it didn’t need to go back in the closet, it can sort of just…well, go.
So I decided to be brave and face whatever else is lurking- part of my mission to try and be nicer to myself, I guess. It did all make realise how tightly I control, or rather attempt to control things. Right down to this whole business about reading the last page of a book so I know what I am committing to or only watching movies that I know have a feel good factor and a happy ending. Part of my darkness is not wanting to face anyone elses’ shadow either. And that is limiting.
As long as we keep jamming stuff into the closet, we have an excuse. Exactly like when you know there is something you want to do, need to do for yourself at home, but you just know you can’t do it until the linen cupboard is cleaned out or those old books are sold on ebay or last seasons clothes are packed away. So it is with secrets or 12th house stuff. They become reasons why we can’t be happy or have the courage to come out from under whatever rock we are living under.
Which is why I went to meditation. To see what else came out. To do a little more 12th house de-cluttering. I will keep going. There are lots of shelves in my brain that need to be dusted off and given a good wipe down and many more excuses stored in the back corners providing reasons for me to stand still.