Biggest Loser Ratings…by the Stars

I wrote this a few years ago for a newsletter at the gym my sister was doing a Biggest Loser competition. Then I thought I would pitch it for a feature article & just couldn’t be faffed. Found it this morning when going through my ideas files. Tongue in cheek? Absolutely. Cliche driven? Yep…  and with no excuses. That’s right- under no circumstances can you use this to either

  • Rest on your laurels or
  • Blame your sun sign

Do we have a deal?????

Eddy & Saffy

Eddy & Saffy

 

Edina: Why am I so fat?

Saffron: You eat too much, you drink too much and you take no exercise.

Edina: Darling, Darling… Please…. it is far more likely to be an allergy to something, isn’t it? You know, a build up of toxins or a hormone imbalance.

Saffron: All you’ve got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise.

Edina: Look, Sweetie, if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it.

(From Absolutely Fabulous… Series 1 “Fat”)

If it is that easy, why do we need so many diets and so many ads for equipment that will slide easily under your bed or double as a clothes hanger?

The answer could literally be in the stars. Your Sun sign influences your health and fitness habits- even the types of foods that are great for you. If you know your Rising sign or Moon sign, read that description as well, as both of these actually have more influence on this than your sun sign does. If you have lots of planets in another sign, these will influence as well… but you probably need an Astrologer to tell you that…wait- that’s me!

Aries

Biggest Loser Rating ****

Let’s face it, it is all about you. You need goals, adventure & achievement… you also need for that to be noticed. You like to lead, you like to win & you are one of the zodiacs’ worst losers.  Whatever you do has to be your idea.

Fire signs dislike inactivity & Aries is always ready with energy- in fact your biggest danger is too much too soon- Aries is the original crash & burn dieter. You are first out of the blocks, but not the worlds’ greatest finisher, so some quick results will always help keep your momentum going.

Exercise wise? Keep it goal orientated and competitive- 2nd place is not an option. Boxing, Combat, Attack classes are great. Aries is the warrior, so consider Boot Camp as well.

Taurus

Biggest Loser Rating *

Unfortunately Taurus is about storage and holding onto stuff. You loooooooove food & wine & really don’t enjoy exercise. So, the key is to do something that doesn’t feel like exercise. Try not to be seduced by meal replacement, shakes and other quick fix diets- slow, steady and sustained loss is best for you –it takes you a little while to make the change, but once in a structured routine you have more potential to finish the job than most other signs.

Walking and gardening are perfect Taurean exercises. Why not combine your love of shopping with a need to move and join one of those groups that does mall walking?

Gemini

Biggest Loser Rating ***

As you speak with your hands and fidget constantly, that is almost a workout in itself. You flit from social thing to social thing. Don’t even think about one-on-one training- unless you want your trainer to go deaf. Aerobics & group classes are great for you- socialising and exercising- the ultimate in multi tasking.

The grapefruit diet? Meal replacements? With your boredom threshold… forget it! The perfect plan would allow you to eat out, have lots of little meals and lots of substitutions.

Cancer

Biggest Loser Rating **

Step away from the chocolate. Unfortunately, you are the sign most prone to emotional eating (Taurus holds that honour for comfort eating). Running around after kids is a natural exercise and as a water sign, you have an affinity with water sports of all types. Cancer rules the belly and the boobs, so why not give Bellydancing a try?

Instead of baking muffins, go for a walk. That time of the month? Rather than going straight for the chocolate and hot water bottle, try some pilates. Follow with a warm smelly bath & you haven’t been anywhere near the biscuit barrel.

Leo

Biggest Loser Rating ***

Lions don’t particularly like hard work.  But, like all fire signs, you need activity and are more conscious of looking good than most other signs. This is usually motivation enough to get into lycra.

Personal trainers are good for the Lion- especially cute ones. Make sure the gym is well lit, has plenty of mirrors and cheerful, social surroundings. As a fixed sign, you can keep up the burn long after others have given up. So, deck yourself out in some designer gym gear & get going- your hair looks great & you can reward yourself with some bling afterward.

Virgo

Biggest Loser Rating ****

Virgos like lists and counting things. You can follow a diet to the letter and even report progress graphically. You do well on food combining and restrictive diets that other signs would not last a day on (looking at you, Pisces).  

Virgo knows that sacrifices need to be made for health- and exercising is one of them. A house with lots of windows, mirrors & white tiles can be the best workout of all and no one else is going to keep this place clean or get that weeding done. Just don’t dwell too much on being perfect- that is the only thing that will cause you to give up.

Libra

Biggest Loser Rating **

Face it, you don’t really want to go to Spin class… you would much prefer to recline ever so gracefully on a daybed, drinking champagne & being fed chocolates by some gorgeously well cut young footballer with a tribal tattoo around his guns (actually, the last bit is my fantasy).

You don’t like to sweat, you don’t like conflict and competition is really not your thing either. But you are social and very charming & you do love to look good. So, think about those activities where you can see friends, show good form and have a chat and a coffee afterwards! You are naturally graceful, so why not give a dance class a go?

Scorpio

Biggest Loser Rating ***

Like Aries, the other Mars ruled sign, Scorpio likes to win. Unlike Aries, you don’t need a quick victory – but you will always remember a loss, and exactly who is to blame for it.

Sex is, of course, the ultimate contact sport, but you are also great at endurance activities and anything you have a chance to win at.

As a fixed sign, so you will stick to a routine- but only if it your idea. Scorpio does not respond to nagging, suggestion or influence. Elimination diets and managed fasting are good (in moderation) for Scorpio and show just how controlled you really can be.

Sagittarius

Biggest Loser Rating ***

Sagittarius plays hard and parties equally as hard. Skiing has to be the number 1 Sagittarius sport (next to motor racing, flying, stunt doubling, horse riding & jumping off things- you are, after all, indestructible). Rock climbing is good, cycling is brilliant and running is terrific too. Think legs & thighs. If you find yourself confined to a gym, get yourself to an Attack class… and fast!

Don’t try to eliminate an essential food group (like alcohol) from your diet and never ever try fasting- it just leads to bingeing.

Capricorn

Biggest Loser Rating ****

Capricorn plans towards a practical goal and will execute it prudently with a minimum of fuss or fanfare. You can follow a structured diet plan, often forgoing many temptations that lesser signs would cave at (looking at you Pisces & Sagittarius!).

Capricorn understands the concept of results coming from hard work. Anything easily won is not valued. Capricorn likes structure, discipline and routine to be applied to their training. You are an ideal candidate for personal training. Be careful if engaging in high impact activities as you may be prone to knee issues. Walking, swimming and cycling are great as the joints are supported.

Aquarius

Biggest Loser Rating ***

Aquarius rarely takes advice so does not do well on prescribed diets. You will walk for charity, climb trees to protest against woodchoppers, and fight for causes- all the while proclaiming that what you are doing can’t be classed as exercise.

Aquarius is naturally quite strong and vital. Often incidental exercise is sufficient to keep you looking great. As an air sign, you are not usually prone to emotional eating and can’t really understand anyone who is.

Forget the institutional nature of a gym-unless you can do things your own way, you just aren’t interested. Aquarius is prone to lower leg, calf & ankle problems, so be careful of high impact activities.

Pisces

Biggest Loser Rating * (& that is on a good day!)

Pisces is the junk collector of the zodiac- in more ways than one. Pisces has difficulty with boundaries & can’t say “no”. As with all the water signs, emotional eating (and drinking) is an issue and Pisces frequently escapes reality through bingeing. Don’t open a bottle of wine thinking you will have 1 glass. Don’t order from those people who deliver by the week- we know that you will still eat your own food as well. Cook only what needs to be consumed at that meal and make a deal with yourself to only have wine with meals or after 6pm or on days ending in a “y”.

The world is universal, so forget team competition. Distance swimming, running and yoga allows you to escape and gives plenty of time to dream. Look after those feet and invest in good running shoes.

1 comment for “Biggest Loser Ratings…by the Stars

  1. Natalie
    January 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    That’s hilarious! I have Jup in Pisces and thank God for that. Being a Virgo, I know everything there is about health food, vitamins, greens -I even know what vitamin K is good for – and without Jupiter to guide me to the nearest chocolatebar, I’d be miserable. You wouldn’t believe the stuff some Virgos put in their mouth in the name of health. So in my view, my strong Pisces actually keeps me sane – and healthy. And completely useless for diets, of course.

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